When couples come in to see me, it is usually at an extremely difficult place in their relationship. They feel they have tried everything, they are both tired and feel the other spouse does not understand them. After we meet for the first time, they will sometimes hesitantly look at me and ask…
“What do you think? Do you think we can save this? Is it too far gone?”
This is an appropriate question, given how each of them are exhausted, overwhelmed and feeling like giving up because of the dysfunction, disillusionment and difficulty.
If couples are having seasons or years of difficulty, this can be a common place to arrive at. Couples tend to ask the questions…
“Does my spouse even love me?”
“Did I marry the wrong person?”
“Should I stay in this marriage?”
“What if it never gets better, how long can I keep doing this?”
These are normal questions when each person in the relationship feels they have done all they can do and they are losing hope. However, there is always hope. I truly believe that every couple can have the relationship they want, if they are both willing to do the hard work.
I enjoy talking to older couples who have been together a long time. When I ask them how they made it, they don't say things like…
“I just married the right person”
“Don’t go to bed angry”
-or-
“Just have a glass of wine every night and laugh about things”
These small sayings are ones that the movies and culture have portrayed. Instead, what they tell me usually always follows the same theme:
“Don't ever give up, and be willing to do the hard work.”
That is the answer, I don't believe anyone’s marriage is too far gone, regardless of the circumstance.
Ok so what is the hard work? What makes it hard? How can I commit to hard work if I don’t know what’s involved? Good questions…
It is not easy to examine yourself, your thoughts, behaviors, words and actions, particularly if there is the belief that all the marriage problems are due to the other person. There might be a pretty high percentage of fault with the other, but that doesn’t negate the fault that lies with you.
It’s hard work to be quick to run to reconciliation as opposed to proving you are right.
It’s hard to let go of pride and your need to have the upper hand.
It’s difficult to take the humble road.
It’s hard to do what’s right and have kind, gentle, honoring behavior when the other person is pressing all your buttons, or instigating.
It’s hard to be kind in the face of mistreatment, dishonesty, rudeness, insensitivity.
It’s hard to never react in vengeance.
It’s hard to control yourself and your habits.
However, if you can commit to doing this hard work, remember this:
Humility often breeds humility.
Forgiveness often breeds forgiveness.
Gentle, humble honesty often breeds the same…
If one of you commits to this, chances are the other will as well.
It is the willingness to face the pain and walk through it hand in hand that will preserve your marriage. I’ve seen the healing that can take place time and time again when there is a commitment to this. There is hope, don’t give up, own your part, be first to examine your own flaws and in humility make consistent efforts. When BOTH spouses are committed to this, there is more than hope, there is a thriving marriage on the horizon, made better from weathering the storm.