As someone who specializes in trauma, my clients often ask me this question. When we take a deep dive into their experience, I will ask if they think they have experienced trauma.
Here are some common answers I am met with that might be surprising…
“Well, what happened to me wasn’t that bad.”
“Well, others have had worse I guess.”
They often answer this way and with a smile or laugh because they don’t necessarily understand trauma, what it is.. and it’s easier to keep it at arm’s length so that they won’t be overwhelmed by the emotions that could surface if they were to look at it closely. They don’t know the smile is a defense mechanism hiding their true experience of emotional or physical suffering, or their viewpoint that it wasn’t so bad is an unconscious strategy to maintain a connection or relationship or ideal.
So what is trauma and do you have it?
Trauma is anything that has happened to you or that you have been involved in that has given you negative messages about yourself, or the world. Now, obviously there is varying degrees of trauma, for instance someone who was assaulted vs someone was embarrassed by a boss in a work meeting. Both are traumatic, the assault tends to carry more weight and symptoms, the situation with the boss is more subtle. With both you can walk away feeling the shame and the weight of the injustice that has happened to you. Both are traumas, but have played a significant role in how you view yourself and others.
There are two types of trauma that I like to categorize as physical and relational.
Physical Trauma: First responders and those in the military often see and experience things like this on a regular basis: altercations, death, car accidents, physical abuse, shootings, assaults, etc.
Physical trauma is what we normally associate with the word, trauma, these are usually easily identifiable.
Relational Trauma: This is not so easily identifiable, but it is one of the most common traumas I utilize the method of EMDR on. Relational traumas are things like being bullied, cheated on, being embarrassed in front of people, parents divorcing when you were young, going through a divorce personally, someone breaking you heart, being pushed away by those you love, father or mother struggling with addiction or mental health, being abandoned by people you love, etc…
Both of these traumas give us messages about our lives and our relationships.
How does trauma affect us?
I have had the privilege of working with a phenomenal EMDR therapist named Kara who gave me the following analogy:
“Trauma is like a smear on your sunglasses, eventually when you get a smear, what do your eyes do? Well they adjust and you no longer notice the smear, but you look past it, all the while forgetting that your viewpoint might be skewed. Now comes another smear (another trauma) and then another smear (another trauma.) Eventually you are viewing the world through a lens that no longer matches the world around you. This can affect self worth, relationships, employment, parenting, etc.”
If you have had trauma in your life (which most of us have) do not ignore it, push it down or act like it didn’t happen. We can often think we should be strong enough to get over it, move past it or just forget it, when really it is shaping our identity and the way we function. I would encourage you to not do this, instead, come to terms with the fact that it might be seriously affecting your life and get the help you need.
I am a huge proponent of EMDR as I have seen the healing work it can do. My suggestion is to find an EMDR therapist such as myself or someone in your local area. Allow a professional to help you “clean the lenses” so you can start seeing yourself and others through a clear, healthy outlook.